I know, you don’t.
It’s not that important.
I know that.
But I know you’re favorite soup.
You told me when I asked.
I was curious to know what you liked.
So that maybe one day I could make it for you…
I know that’s dumb.
I just wish you at least asked what mine was too.
Is that too much to ask?
Or is it just not important.
This isn’t about soup.
Chicken tortilla soup and french onion,
but it made me realize that this is our relationship.
I crave getting to learn about you…
you don’t even know my favorite soup.
“I asked Patrick to share with me, his favorite quality about me, since that is what we were talking about. He has trouble seeing how amazing he is, and until he does, I will continue to ask him to point out a quality in him that he likes…but I got curious to know if he had any qualities of mine that were his favorite. What he said was “You just made this hard by saying I could only pick one…BUT I love your gentle demeanor with me and with people and general, you’re the person that people know they can count on, they can come for a simple hug or just to talk when they need to smile, you put people at ease with your kindness, people come to you and you accept them, and you’re so gentle and kind and i love that, I love you.” ———> HOW DO YOU EVEN!? lol”
Feb 23rd, 2014 I should tell you, but im telling tumblr instead.
And i can’t help but wonder if the fact that i’m distancing myself is due to the fact that i am scared, or if i can feel it in my heart that maybe going separate ways is for the best…because i know that i won’t be happy with you by my side for the rest of my life. Maybe that because sometimes even when we are together, side-by-side i still feel like we’re universes away. If I don’t talk, you don’t talk, all you say is “Wow, are you ok, you’re being so quiet.” Yes i am being quiet, because yes I’m ok, but if you changed up the question a bit, as if you even cared enough to to such thing you might get a different answer. Are we ok? I guess, but is this what i have to look forward to the rest of my life!? Is this really it? Because that is emotionally draining. Having one sided conversation without reply, asking questions without ever being asked questions. I need communication, I need to be able to explore your mind, I need you to want to explore mine. Its not that i love talking, I don’t really, but i feel like if i don’t constantly come up with things to tell you or to talk about, its dead silence. Sure we’re compatible and we get along great, but sometimes it feels lonely, it feels so lonely. And the fact that it takes us so much effort to talk, scares me. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes its great, we talk about nothing and everything and its so effortless, but at other times its like a forgotten monologue with the pressure of opening night, while all the lights on stage are pointing at me and nothing. And i guess the fact that we see each other once a week should increase our need for conversation, but it seems to diminish it even more. I know we have chemistry, but is that really all there is between us too? Because its been over a year and i feel that i shouldn’t be feeling this insecure. I love you, but is this really all there is to us? Chemistry?
I closed my eyes and wished you were here…
I let you in into my heart,
And you know that is hard.
For I am so closed up,
I keep it all locked up.
You try so hard to find the key,
And when I finally let you take a peak,
I feel that you are too scared,
I feel that you want out.
And when I start to push away,
you once again seem to…
Nov 6th, 2013. I did not miss you, not a bit, not at all.
I love you, but maybe we;re not meant to be.
Only time will tell.
I’ve felt this before,
I’m feeling it once more.
I’m tired of it.
I know what I can do to fix it…
but will that hurt more?
I’m too scared to find out,
I’m too scared to let go.
What if your actions and words show two opposite sides? What does that mean? Which one do I believe in?
I’m starting to feel that this isn’t working out. I can feel so much distance and lack of effort and honestly I thought I was okay with it, but I’m not. I’m really not. You’d think its something that you’d get used to, but instead it is something that keeps on building and growing and feelings grow deeper and you start noticing that this isn’t quite what you’re looking for…because it feels like settling. Should you ever feel like settling? I guess this is the out of the “honeymoon” phase, and honestly we didn’t even have that, we had a friendship that turned into a relationship and honestly to me it was perfect. But I feel like I’m putting so much effort in, I’m calling so much for attention and I’m not getting what I need…and I wonder if its been given to someone else. I’m worth something, right? I’m worth a bit of effort, I’m worth a bit of time? Am I not? I’d like to think so. But then when we’re together, just the two of us, I know that what we have is so special and worth it being together! But then is me feeling this miserable sometimes worth the minimal 5 hours a week that I get on Fridays? One week has 168 hours and I get 5. Thats roughly 3 % of the week and thats all I get…and it sucks. Absolutely sucks, because If I were able to, I’d take any chance I’d get just to visit you even for a 30 minutes lunch or something, and this seems like way to much for you to even try and do and it feels like I have to beg for you to come and it sucks. Sucks so fucking much.
Aug 27th , 2013
Have you ever tried to convince everything was ok, just because you wouldn’t have to deal with anything?
Even though deep inside you had a feeling that something was off and that something is absolutely wrong, but you’re afraid to ask, or even more afraid of the answer, or the truth?
Is it better to be comforted by a lie, or be hurt by the truth?
I’m hurting. I’m confused. And as of now, without reason to me, at least as far as I know. So why do I feel this way? I honestly don’t know.
But I know this much, its a feeling I’ve felt before and honestly, its a feeling I hate.
Over-thinking and over-sensitivity kills.
I am dying.